stress bugs
yes, i’m nervous for saturday’s conducting experience. yes, i think i did reasonably well for rehearsal just now and it really felt rather good. no, i didn’t manage to be at my very very best because i was suffering from indigestion. no, i’m not going to wear that white blazer you saw me carrying; it belongs to my friend and another friend asked me to pass it to the owner. no, i’m not stressed because i did badly during rehearsal (i really think i did ok). but yes, i’m stressed.
i dunno. i was really really tired. am. am still. and i guess i was too preoccupied just now to make the best of decisions. so there goes another ‘happy’ day.
i can try to be happy. for people. for myself. but sometimes, it just doesn’t work this way. it’s not that i’m upset about something. it’s just, i’m not in the ‘happy’ state right now. doesn’t help that my body is starting to react to stress bugs. lethargy, concentration lapses, indigestion, etc. i just wanna look good, feel good, and do well on saturday; is that too much to ask for? it’s mind-boggling sometimes, how some small things can change a person’s mood immediately. well maybe what we perceive as small isn’t that small in others’ eyes. one man’s meat is another man’s poison.
i can’t say i’m not confident for Elisabeth. i’d be lying. at the same time, though i feel rather confident, i am bogged down by other things. like the open house event next saturday (dexter not around to be a pillar for the band; not that i don’t trust geraldine). rehearsals, though quite pleasant, left much to be desired with a few sections. but well, there’s still time for work, and i won’t give up.
many things i have to really tackle once Da Capo is over. i’m seriously at the turning point of my career. make it or break it. about 1 1/2 more years to go ahead and prove i can survive in this career. make a decent living. give decent training to kids who all deserve a proper education in music. so much unfulfilled! but i’m getting there. don’t wanna stress myself out at this point of time. i’m getting there. success should be more gratifying in smaller steps!
anyway, let me totally digress and end the post with a quote from Mr Leonard Tan:
"Find your center. There is a center in every single one of us where the soul resides. This is where music and musicality comes from."
you know, i love NUSWS practices because Mr Leonard Tan always gives us music, while also drawing the music out from us like a charismatic snake charmer. ok, bad analogy, but you get my point. and he always gives us these kind of quotes; quotes we would all be willing to die for. isn’t this how we keep our passion for music alive? thank you Mr Tan, for one exciting year of music making with NUSWS, and of course, we look forward to many more years of great music making with you!
so… find your center!
