MusICian

world-class conductor Carlos Kleiber, known for his perfectionist conducting technique and self-criticism, said in a Sudfunk-Sinfonieorchester rehearsal for Johann Strauss’ Die Fledermaus:

"It is very difficult to say: let’s take care of the technique and then we play with expression. Because, strangely, the technique IS the expression. If the technique skill is there but without expressiveness, it is nothing."

which really means even if i wave my arms around with all the passion in the world, i am still going to get a huge mess of sound. since the technique IS the expression, i really have to put my heart and soul into the technique. then the technique will BECOME the expression!

today, we learnt about the paradox of music making. we have to be free; yet we must also follow the rules. we have to be expressive; yet we have to keep rhythm tight. we have to observe intonation; but we cannot think too much. we must let our sounds sing through; but we cannot upset the balance of the ensemble. wow. music is seriously so much like life. and to many people like myself, music IS life. it is what makes us wake up every morning (quote from Mr Leonard Tan)!

these being said, today was both a happy and depressing day at the same time.

soccer in the morning, played well, was happy with the whole session cos my team threw in their best efforts. got back to a lunchless home, had to whip up something from nothing. did fried rice which tasted super bland cos i forgot the soy sauce and the pepper. practised the cornet for a while, Leonard called me and we went for dinner at Crystal Jade. discussed many conducting issues, got quite a lot of great info from him! went to NUS and did a conducting session with Leonard and Martin, learnt new things, new techniques to use. conducted Elisabeth with Leonard beside me on a high stool; he guided me through the piece, reinforcing loads of stuff we discussed. most hyper session of Elisabeth ever, and also the shortest. got back to my seat in the ensemble, played E-flat clarinet till the end. got home in Sweetie’s parents’ car, and ran through Elisabeth in my head once, while physically beating through it with the technique acquired.

i was happy with my performance today. but somehow, after hearing some comments, i began to feel depressed again. i mean, it’s really encouraging and discouraging at the same time. i know i’ll be ok, but i just can’t help feeling discouraged every time. i’m irritated with myself.

my friends tell me i’m doing ok, and that i should just not be so affected by my own performance. but i somehow got stuck being depressed again. i hate it. i need to snap out of it. and i need to be less affected by criticism. i just need to turn those criticism and suggestions into useful ideas i can use. after all, i asked for them, so by right i should really have had the mental preparation to deal with them.

maybe i just need more mental strength.

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 20th, 2007 at 8:57 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.