MusICian

Da Capo 07 is over, and all in all, i think it was a concert well done. most of the people i managed to talk to enjoyed the concert, and many left good reviews for my conducting. the concert is over! i can’t believe it! and i can’t believe that i conducted in front of so many people (800?) and survived. haha.

i’m glad i took the opportunity to learn from Mr Tan. i’m glad i did not give up my passion for music. i’m glad that i pushed on, with encouragement from Mr Png and Mr Tan and many people who thought highly of me. and though i’m still far from the best, at least i have come a long way, and i did my very best on that podium whenever i got on it!

and i’m glad that my mini success inspired some of my ex students

what’s next? many things coming up, and i’ll be most willing to take up the challenge. after all, i have stated my own deadline for carving a career out of band directing, and i will make things happen before the deadline’s up! no, i will not be satisfied being only an assistant conductor forever. but of course, that does not mean i will give up my assistant conductor jobs! that means i will take up more jobs when they come. gonna give it my best shot!

many many thanks to NUSWS and its members. for bearing with my nonsense, my growing as a musician and conductor, my times of uncertainty, and watching me as i waved that baton that doesn’t make a sound. i thank also people who didn’t think i’ll be good; because that gave me an extra desire to prove them wrong. i thank the people who always believed i would make it; because that gave me an extra desire to prove them right. haha.

and i thank sweetie, for always being there for me through my ups and downs, and for finally watching my conducting

Da Capo 07 was a success! did you go? hope you enjoyed yourself if you did!

gratification came in many forms today. my hard work has finally paid off! and it was the simplest form of gratification i can get; a "good job" from a few people from the Wind Symphony. and that is really the best form of gratification i could get. after all, on the podium today, i put in my heart, my soul and my total concentration.

and gratification came in a form of smiles/grins from sweetie. and in the form of a Terra Naomi CD i ordered from the UK (it’s really very very good man, go to youtube and search for Terra Naomi!!). and in the form of a bowl of unhealthy noodles for supper.

i had a truly fulfilling day today! and if i was previously stressed up, all the stress just disappeared after a total of 6 hours on the conducting podium today; 3 hours NCWO, 3 hours NUSWS. i ran through and fixed problems for the NCHS open house, while also doing 2 easier pieces in SOE, for the young ones. then at the technical rehearsal, i helped Mr Leonard Tan conduct the entire repertoire for Da Capo (except Nitro and In a Persian Market). in terms of music, i have done some work on not so tough repertoire, and also some work for very difficult repertoire. i feel my soul being fed today, while i put my heart into the music!

and seriously, i have been worrying for nothing. after tonight, i know that i can do a good job tomorrow! but still, i pray that Mr Leonard Tan doesn’t fall sick!!

the only ‘punishment’ i received: a fully sore arm no longer capable of even typing an sms! after this post is up, i’m gonna rub ointment on it man.

i’m so excited! i’m gonna get a cool haircut tomorrow before the concert

yes, i’m nervous for saturday’s conducting experience. yes, i think i did reasonably well for rehearsal just now and it really felt rather good. no, i didn’t manage to be at my very very best because i was suffering from indigestion. no, i’m not going to wear that white blazer you saw me carrying; it belongs to my friend and another friend asked me to pass it to the owner. no, i’m not stressed because i did badly during rehearsal (i really think i did ok). but yes, i’m stressed.

i dunno. i was really really tired. am. am still. and i guess i was too preoccupied just now to make the best of decisions. so there goes another ‘happy’ day.

i can try to be happy. for people. for myself. but sometimes, it just doesn’t work this way. it’s not that i’m upset about something. it’s just, i’m not in the ‘happy’ state right now. doesn’t help that my body is starting to react to stress bugs. lethargy, concentration lapses, indigestion, etc. i just wanna look good, feel good, and do well on saturday; is that too much to ask for? it’s mind-boggling sometimes, how some small things can change a person’s mood immediately. well maybe what we perceive as small isn’t that small in others’ eyes. one man’s meat is another man’s poison.

i can’t say i’m not confident for Elisabeth. i’d be lying. at the same time, though i feel rather confident, i am bogged down by other things. like the open house event next saturday (dexter not around to be a pillar for the band; not that i don’t trust geraldine). rehearsals, though quite pleasant, left much to be desired with a few sections. but well, there’s still time for work, and i won’t give up.

many things i have to really tackle once Da Capo is over. i’m seriously at the turning point of my career. make it or break it. about 1 1/2 more years to go ahead and prove i can survive in this career. make a decent living. give decent training to kids who all deserve a proper education in music. so much unfulfilled! but i’m getting there. don’t wanna stress myself out at this point of time. i’m getting there. success should be more gratifying in smaller steps!

anyway, let me totally digress and end the post with a quote from Mr Leonard Tan:

"Find your center. There is a center in every single one of us where the soul resides. This is where music and musicality comes from."

you know, i love NUSWS practices because Mr Leonard Tan always gives us music, while also drawing the music out from us like a charismatic snake charmer. ok, bad analogy, but you get my point. and he always gives us these kind of quotes; quotes we would all be willing to die for. isn’t this how we keep our passion for music alive? thank you Mr Tan, for one exciting year of music making with NUSWS, and of course, we look forward to many more years of great music making with you!

so… find your center!

out of boredom and sheer randomness, i chanced upon this dating personality test on erina’s blog. and again out of boredom and sheer randomness, i completed the test and got my results, which i’m going to display right here on my blog (after censoring certain words, since some of my students might read this and go "Orhhh… Mr Lum!!!")

here it goes!

The Boy Next Door

Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You’re looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it’s sweet.

We think the next three years will
be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative
side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a h***y side just
waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships
unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If
you’ve had some things not work out before, so what.

On paper, most girls would name
the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however,
you’re often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You’re
the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you’re
doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a p****
to hold.

More than any other type, Boys
Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love,
but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to
be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

Always avoid: The Nymph (DBSD)
Consider: The Maid of Honor (DGLM), The Peach (RGLM)

here’s the link, if you’re bored and random like me: http://www.okcupid.com/online.dating.persona.test

world-class conductor Carlos Kleiber, known for his perfectionist conducting technique and self-criticism, said in a Sudfunk-Sinfonieorchester rehearsal for Johann Strauss’ Die Fledermaus:

"It is very difficult to say: let’s take care of the technique and then we play with expression. Because, strangely, the technique IS the expression. If the technique skill is there but without expressiveness, it is nothing."

which really means even if i wave my arms around with all the passion in the world, i am still going to get a huge mess of sound. since the technique IS the expression, i really have to put my heart and soul into the technique. then the technique will BECOME the expression!

today, we learnt about the paradox of music making. we have to be free; yet we must also follow the rules. we have to be expressive; yet we have to keep rhythm tight. we have to observe intonation; but we cannot think too much. we must let our sounds sing through; but we cannot upset the balance of the ensemble. wow. music is seriously so much like life. and to many people like myself, music IS life. it is what makes us wake up every morning (quote from Mr Leonard Tan)!

these being said, today was both a happy and depressing day at the same time.

soccer in the morning, played well, was happy with the whole session cos my team threw in their best efforts. got back to a lunchless home, had to whip up something from nothing. did fried rice which tasted super bland cos i forgot the soy sauce and the pepper. practised the cornet for a while, Leonard called me and we went for dinner at Crystal Jade. discussed many conducting issues, got quite a lot of great info from him! went to NUS and did a conducting session with Leonard and Martin, learnt new things, new techniques to use. conducted Elisabeth with Leonard beside me on a high stool; he guided me through the piece, reinforcing loads of stuff we discussed. most hyper session of Elisabeth ever, and also the shortest. got back to my seat in the ensemble, played E-flat clarinet till the end. got home in Sweetie’s parents’ car, and ran through Elisabeth in my head once, while physically beating through it with the technique acquired.

i was happy with my performance today. but somehow, after hearing some comments, i began to feel depressed again. i mean, it’s really encouraging and discouraging at the same time. i know i’ll be ok, but i just can’t help feeling discouraged every time. i’m irritated with myself.

my friends tell me i’m doing ok, and that i should just not be so affected by my own performance. but i somehow got stuck being depressed again. i hate it. i need to snap out of it. and i need to be less affected by criticism. i just need to turn those criticism and suggestions into useful ideas i can use. after all, i asked for them, so by right i should really have had the mental preparation to deal with them.

maybe i just need more mental strength.

frankly, i feel pretty crappy. i dare not say i have all the talent in the world, neither do i dare say i am already a good conductor. it’s been a few rehearsals now. and Elisabeth is not at its fullest potential. simply because there is always something that i could have done each rehearsal, but i simply missed it out. it’s been rather depressing; even though i’ve got people telling me that i’m improving, but still there are a million other things which i have not done right.

seriously, when i thought i was all geared up for criticism, i realised how big my ego really was. and when i thought ego was never a problem with me, i realised it is. am i too proud to admit i’ve made mistakes? haiz. actually, it’s not that i cannot admit that i made mistakes. it’s just that week after week of criticism, though requested by me for my own good, is seriously hard to swallow. humble pie is difficult to eat!

i dunno. suddenly i felt very depressed. am i good enough to bring Elisabeth to the audience? am i good enough to deliver a splendid performance? am i good enough to play E-flat clarinet for the concert (i keep missing notes today)? am i expecting too much from myself?

as i type this, i suddenly remembered a quote Leonard said during a random practice with St Margaret’s:

"It is not about how good you are now. It is about how good you want to be."

i take heart in that. and i guess that is what lifts me up when i’m down, especially when i see obstacles like this. so whatever the case, i will do my very very best, and on 27th October, 2007, i shall bring my best rendition of Elisabeth to the audience, whether they came to support me or not. because the audience deserves the best, always.

so i will take all the criticisms i recieved, use the good ones, and bring the best to the audience. and i will also use these in my band teaching, so that my sweetie’s and my dear friends’ precious saliva have not gone to waste!

hope to see you at Da Capo 2007; give me chance to show you my best!

i reprimanded the young ones yesterday for not playing well; and looking back at the whole thing, i felt that i was a little too harsh on them.

after all, the young ones haven’t been in much contact with their instruments the whole year. maybe i expect more from them. maybe i thought every one of us wanted to be a better musician. instead of scolding them yesterday, i could have been more patient and let them enjoy the wonders of making a nice sound while maintaining a nice phrase. and i could have thought of giving it another approach. oh well, the damage is done already. of course i still hope that my reprimanding did knock some sense into them. come to think of it, i could have detected the problem when the band was warming up to SOE. anyway, the trumpet section will probably think i have a personal vendetta against them. no i don’t!

i’ll do better next time!

i’m really starting to see the wonders of how efficient conducting really results in a more efficient rehearsal. and now i’m looking at all the training materials i can give my bands; it’s always about getting better. with the right materials and the right method, we can always help our members to become better musicians! must get a choice piece real real soon.

i wanna study harmony!

argh, i’ve not been practising the cornet as often as i should. no excuses for me; i’ve been so free these days. read up the material on the brass instruments and they really really help a great deal! knowing how to teach is one thing. knowing how to teach, and also learning how to play, is the best way. by demonstrating, we are also more efficient. i must bear that in mind.

study study study!

it seems just appropriate that this post begins with the dictionary definition of friends (so English Language major right? now it’s English Language graduate :P):

friend (from dictionary.com)

–noun 

1.	a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.	a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.

3.	a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

4.	a member of the same nation, party, etc.

5.	(initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

–verb (used with object) 

6.	Rare. to befriend.

—Idiom

7.	make friends with, to enter into friendly relations with; become a friend to.

[Origin: bef. 900; ME friend, frend, OE fréond friend, lover, relative (c. OS friund, OHG friunt (G Freund), Goth frijōnds), orig. prp. of fréogan, c. Goth frijōn to love]

friend
n.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

tr.v. 

friend·ed, friend·ing, friends Archaic

To befriend.

the roots of friendship, according to Old English history, began from Love. in the history of the word, a friend is literally a lover. in a way, in modern times, friendship is also about love. given the wide definition of love, i don’t think i need to get another dictionary definition to satisfy my readers. haha. anyway, in a way, you’d have to have some love (in the friendship sense) for the person to be considered a true friend.

why am i talking about this? this is in response to dear’s post on the ‘death of friendship’. also made me reflect a bit about what i thought about friendship.

i remember some time back i told hongliang what i felt about friendship. i felt that the quality of friendship cannot be measured by the number of times you see each other/one another, the number of activities you share, the things you talk to each other about and maybe the number of gatherings you organise. true friends don’t even consider all these important. true friends care for you from the bottom of their heart, without malicious intent and always with true love (in the friendship sense again). true friends tell you when you do things wrong because they truly want you to avoid getting hurt by your own mistakes. true friends will give you honest feedback when you ask for them. true friends will not hurt you when you are down. true friends stay.

when we go on an overseas trip, who are the friends we want to buy presents for? are they the ones currently very close to us? have we thought about the friends who have always cared about us even though they are now inconveniently hidden in other social circles? have we always missed out people we wanted to buy things for, only to realise it on the flight back home? actually, the fact that these people came to our mind signifies that these friends occupy a certain space in our heart. when we remember we forgot them, and when we sincerely feel bad about it, that is when we know we really care about them. one might argue otherwise, but that is my point of view.

friendship is never about the material value of the gifts you give. friendship is never about giving treats on birthdays, buying all sorts of expensive stuff for one another, and then forget about one another when nobody’s birthday is coming up. friendship is not about having chalet gatherings, going out for movies, clubbing together and such. true you can share great activities with your true friends, but the bottomline is that it’s gotta come from the heart.

recently, Elson, my sec school acquaintance and JC classmate, organised a small gathering for the JC class guys. it was hugely successful, and we managed to get half of the class guys to turn up; Elson, Yuqiao and myself. yup, we only have 6 guys in our class. anyway, this gesture truly demonstrated Elson’s sincerity in remembering us, as he still went ahead with the gathering even though only 3 of us met up. we chat a lot, shared a lot about our lives and the changes we’ve been through. you could feel the simple friendship was nothing more than sincerity. this is what friendship should be about!

Weiqiang just organised a get-together with Gerald, Westin and myself. we meet like 3 times a year; but whenever we get to know that someone is in trouble, at least one of us will be there for the troubled one. who cares if we meet up so little? the heart is sincere. that is all that matters!

i really have a whole load of good friends whom i’d love to mention, but i’m avoiding cos it might cause some jealousy and upset if you happen not to be mentioned. haha. they are not every single friend i have in friendster; but they share one common thing: they sincerely care about me. and i have a soft spot for sincerity. in turn, i sincerely care for them too, and i really hope that for all my friends, for all my true friends, all is well with you. i only ask that you lead happy lives. and whoever you may be, i am always here for you, my friends, if you need me.

it’s the heart that counts!

cheers to friendship; and to h*ll with insincerity!

and to all my true friends, from the bottom of my heart,
thank you for being my friends