MusICian

if ever there’s a time i’m ‘forced’ to blog, this is it. i stuck myself in central library, doing nothing constructive and tried to stone an hour of break away so that i don’t have to talk to anyone and i don’t have to face my moodiness. however, bringing my laptop was a huge mistake, and you know i cannot forgive myself if i lugged my laptop around without using it, so there you are. emails, checked. IVLE, checked. silly e-newsletters, read. what else to do? blog.

bad start to the week for me. bad mood yesterday, bad mood today. bad symptoms of sickness, bad lethargy, bad sound when i practised on my Eb clarinet last night, bad focus when i attended film and history (and of course, all other lectures involved). bad lunch, if it’s even considered lunch at all. ate little, slept little, thought a little too much. self reflection was required, and i suspect i did much more than self reflection. i basically wanted to be alone. i just want to be alone for a while. and a while was a little longer than i thought.

so there i was, lunching alone, travelling alone, doing assignments alone, practising alone (with this flautist in the same CFA lobby who was trying to practise the exact phrases of danse diabolique i was practising), stoning in the library alone, sitting in class alone. i guess i didn’t want to be cheered up. that’s why nothing was cheering me up. yup, that must be it.

things, i suspect, aren’t back to normal yet. which about explains why i’m not back to normal. i yearn returning to my normal state. but i brought this upon myself. i did something wrong and i ought to bear the consequences. it really doesn’t depend on how sorry you are; it depends on you not making the same mistakes. but how would you know whether you’ll make the same mistakes or not if you’re not given a chance?

things aren’t the same already. but i really hope that the feelings are the same. i just learnt that emotions are important to history and memory. and i can say that emotions are also important to the future.

i’m drifting off. sorry if you can’t understand what i’m trying to say. because i’m not trying to say anything. i’m probably as confused as you are. all i know now for sure is that i’m in a lousy mood, and nothing seems to be changing it.

maybe it’s about time i channelled my negative ‘energies’ into my music. i pray for a more productive individual practice tonight. hopefully i’ll have some breakthroughs in my playing.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 12th, 2006 at 12:42 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.