MusICian

hehe, managed to grab a ride on the DHL hot air balloon with sweetie before it ended! well, it was sweetie’s treat; think she felt bad for leaving me out when she went for the ride on monday. well, she’s right, the ride was really cool! especially when you’re up there, 150m in the air, with the entire city’s night view in your face and a fantastic breeze blowing through the gondola. superb feeling! well, quite a good way to try to curb my phobia of heights. haha.

too bad my camera wasn’t powerful enough. i’d love to have taken many more shots! argh.

saw my dad at hospital this morning. he looked so much healthier! and he’s able to go for physiotherapy already. and some enquiries gave us knowledge that we’d be reimbursed for quite a huge percentage, if not all, of the total hospitalisation bill. well, i really hope that it’ll also cover my dad for more than that, so that he doesn’t need to work anymore. i really don’t wish to see him work again. now we’re all concentrating on him getting his health back. and we’re really glad to see that he’s doing so much better.

luck has been on our side after the ordeal after all!

i’ve been recieving many bad news lately, and when something bad occurs to myself, i was just a little numb to it. yesterday, i nearly lost my clarinet. yes, that brand new Buffet RC Prestige that Mus’Art loaned to me. thankfully, through a thoughtful friend and a series of fortunate events, i recovered it and was hugging it afterwards. thank you, hairul, for your help. i might’ve just lost my nerves if you weren’t there!

to a friend who might be looking at this, i hope we wouldn’t be so awkward at soccer. yes, it’s my fault for bringing unhappy things up, and i really kinda regret doing so. so far, we haven’t been talking to each other anyway, but i just hope that it wouldn’t affect your mood whenever we play soccer together. i’m a little upset too, because you always seem very moody when you have me in your team. rest assured that whenever i play, i will give it my all, and i will try to look at things from a different perspective. and i will give better passes whenever i can, and when it’s within my capabilities.

people have bad days, i’m sure you know this.

just hope that you will be happy playing soccer, the sport that you enjoy most. i guess. because i really don’t wish to spoil my friends’ mood whenever i play; i’d rather not play and let my friends enjoy the game. i’m not making sarcastic remarks, i’m saying all these from the bottom of my heart. i sincerely wish you all can enjoy the game more.

as much as everyone wants to win, i’d love to win too. just that my weaknesses don’t improve overnight, and that my basics are already very bad. forgive my poor playing! enjoy the game

meanwhile, do take great care too. too many unhappy things have been happening… i wish that my friends can be happy, and not go through all these that i’m going through now.

i know i shouldn’t. but well, i really wish i could spend more time with her. or rather, i really wish she could spend more time with me. but hey, this is just being very selfish. sweetie’s got a great job offer and she really should go for it, and here i am, wishing that she’d have more time to spend with me. love isn’t about having someone all the time. it’s about letting that someone be happy. and i know that she’ll be happy with this fantastic new job she’s got. so i shall be good and take care of myself. and not be so greedy! after all, i know that she loves me, and that really is enough; i can’t ask for more than that!

maybe i just wanna spend more time with her before she becomes way too busy?

argh. stop giving myself excuses. my heart’s so greedy that it’ll never be satisfied! so, yup. i shall give her all my good luck, and make sure i take care of her whenever i can! cos it’ll be so busy for her and i don’t wish to see her fall sick or become stressed up! so, yup, i’ll take care of sweetie.

i actually feel good trying out that solo part for capricious aloysious. although i’ve never ever seen the score, from listening to it so many times, i’d know roughly what notes to play. and according to the soloist whose recording i referred to, i got it 95% right! haha. and i kinda like how i sound these days. maybe it’s time i tried it out with mus’art. ha. well, i dunno. shan’t get too cocky about it. after all, i know where i stand now. just hope that the results of my diploma will justify that.

just give me a pass… and i’ll be satisfied.

ok, i’ve gone on for too long. better go sleep soon. try to make it for pasir ris band prac tmr and then go visit my dad. quite disappointed that the date’s been cancelled… was really looking forward to it! airport, east coast… sigh… i’ll miss those places. i’ll miss going those places with sweetie.

must’ve said too much. sleep!

well, i kind of anticipated it. what disappointing results i’ve got! but i know that i kind of deserved these results. there was no way that i was going to get away with good results this sem. well, looking on the bright side, my results are no longer only Bs and Cs. this sem i got my very first A- and my very first two D+. and when i thought my cap has hit rock bottom, i got surprised once again. 2.68… don’t think it can get any lower than this… but then again it’s hard to say.

everybody seems to be in financial crisis. but not everybody is doing the same things to get out of it. financial crisis must be really happy to have so many members in the club. well, it’s really sickening. lamenting seriously gets us nowhere. in times like this, i’m lucky that i’ve already gotten a job to tide me by; if not, it’s gonna be really really tough.

i hope my dad can retire after he gets discharged. of course that means that me and my bro have to work extra hard, but i guess for his health, we have to do it.

business venture? i’m not sure now. i just don’t have the time and energy to think about it. give me some time. i know it’s gonna be a bit too late, but give me some time to think. i cannot think with problems yelling at me. i need some peace and quiet.

everything points to a good recovery for my dad, so we are glad. the only thing i don’t understand is that he’s already quite alert, why must they still stick the tube into his bladder? strange things doctors do. and they’re rather insistent in their choice. let’s see how right they are. after seeing how that rude doctor dealt with my dad on tuesday, i’m highly skeptical about doctors nowadays.

nontheless, the signs are good. my dad is eating well, resting well and recovering well. he responded to our jokes today! i feel happy seeing my dad regaining his normal self bit by bit. and i could see that my mom was much happier too. let’s hope he recovers real soon, and then we’ll worry about the hospital bills later.

missed NUSWS dinner and dance. and cloud forgot to help me inform jin xun. argh. anyway, i don’t think i’ll be in the mood to have fun anyway, so it’d be better that i didn’t go. at least i got more things done today! don’t wanna leave regrets.

ok, looks like everything is kinda back in place. i shall have better energy for lessons and teaching tmr! gotta tackle some theory, Music Park and Ross Roy! feel quite excited

looks like this is a really trying period. dad’s in hospital. he’s been under too much stress. it’s really agonising to see how he was just now… and how i miss the petty but jovial dad. how i miss his healthy self. how i hoped he was well and disturbing us with his usual, mischievious routine. it was really painful to see him lying on the bed, unable to move one side of his body, unable to speak properly.

one great ordeal resolved, another ordeal arrives.

but i cannot cry. i cannot collapse. because my family needs my strength. yongheng is young and ignorant. my elder brother will be busy with work. i’m the only one who can give my mother emotional support in the meantime. it’ll be a real test for us, the Lums. we must be strong together and see that my dad recovers. i will be there for you, dad. be strong, and let’s all survive this.

give me strength.

yes! eventually love conquered everything. and we’ve never been happier! it was, no doubt, a tormenting and trying period, but we survived it and it taught us lots of lessons. insanity was gone in an instant. smiles were revived. warmth was back flowing in our blood. we are happy once again.

a big thank you to everyone who had faith in us! we WILL treasure our happiness

nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. what i’ve always been trying to avoid came to haunt me when i faced it. in the face of adversity, i thought i would survive. but i am wrong. i crumbled. i thought i had the courage to face it, but i thought wrong. day and night i prayed for something good to happen, but i already knew it. my telepathy couldn’t be wrong. because my telepathy was never wrong. and how that ironic chemistry sliced deep into my heart.

so there i was, with nowhere else to go, with only my bicycle and a bottle of margarita. and my dear k750i with all the mp3s. i parked myself on a bench chilling with strange warmth and i drank. there was no one there; i was alone with my bike, my mp3 and my margarita. needless to say, the margarita was the first to go. and next was me. even an idiot knows i cannot hold my liquor for nuts but i didn’t care. in the chilling darkness of the street lamps, i lay, terrified to move, terrified to think. every thought jerked tears from my eyes. every move ached my terribly tired body.

as my heart beat faster and faster, i gradually lost consciousness. there on that cold stone slab i lay my head, there on those cold wooden planks i rested my body. a leg wrapped around my bike and all other belongings hugged tight under my arms, i slept.

what else could i have done? i don’t know, but it might be worse.

my drunken slumber was disturbed by terrifying thoughts and i woke up breathing hard and heart beating fast. i was utterly heartbroken, and nothing could take the pain away. is this love? or what exactly is this? do i feel hatred? i don’t. do i feel pain? i do. i don’t know what this is, but i know that it’s turning my life into a living hell. and i want to be strong and survive it, but somehow all courage left me.

how teasing can love be? how tormenting can love be?

HOW CRUEL CAN ONE’S PAST BE?

i’m conducting like shit again. cannot stay focused. i feel like shouting out right now, right in the middle of the night. puked again today and it was much worse than yesterday. and i miss her like crazy.

i really really love her… i’ll do anything to make her happy. just take away her pain and give it all to me…

i pray that in the face of adversity, we will survive this ordeal. please bless us with courage. and bless us with strength and will power. and please, please take her pain away…

really. at least i know you still care.

i’m really trying harder and harder every time. but this kinda things really affected me too much. i’m trying to do well, play well, but sometimes circumstances don’t allow. that’s what i’m trying to say. that’s all.

but still, thanks for the advice. and yes, we’re still friends.

thanks for respecting my decision.