i’m of a violent nature?
it’s true. i threw a drumstick, full force, towards a kid today. that poor kid. my fengshan primary school band percussion section leader. the stick flew so fast off my hand that i knew nothing much about it till it hit the mirror behind the poor kid standing behind the timpani. and he was in such shock after i yelled right at him, right after the flying stick incident. after that the whole sectional was so tense.
have i done the right thing? i hardly think so. a flying stick would’ve been really really violent. and i’m not one person you’d fancy hurling sticks at kids. and i’m definitely one person you wouldn’t expect to yell at kids. but i’ve been very short tempered and very impatient these days. perhaps i’m more stressed up about the competition than they are. perhaps i’m more stressed up than any of the conductors. whatever the case, i feel guilty. i feel so bad that i wanted to apologise to the kid. but i couldn’t do it, because i’ve a job to do. if i don’t do this, someone else might do something worse. but that’s hardly an excuse for me.
talk about guilt. one thing after another. what is happening to me? am i really so bothered by the nightmare? or am i more bothered about another issue, one that i cannot resolve?
i’ve been trying to tire myself out with other things so that i won’t think about my problems. oh dear. i’m running away from my problems again. something i promised myself never to do again. but i’m doing it. running away. is that what i’m best at? i cannot even judge anymore. today i conducted like shit. ‘into the storm’ was really bad; i couldn’t focus. then again, i didn’t manage to focus on anything i did today. my playing was strange; i can’t hear for myself anymore. i don’t even know whether i’m playing with a nice tone or not. i cannot even decide whether i’ve been running away from my problems or i’ve been too harsh with myself.
definitely, the situation isn’t helping any bit.
