MusICian

ok, i woke up today, not really affected by the poor performance yesterday. yesterday was full of ups and downs. no good news for me, yet i was happy. that’s because i see the effort the people around me put in to make me feel better about the bad performance. huili was extremely encouraging; she knew how much this performance diploma meant to me. josh too, he kept me company for a good dinner and a good session of pool. and of course, mr png, my teacher. he came down to safra mount faber for a few good rounds of pool with us just to make sure i’m alright. i’m truly grateful to you all! and i really had fun at pool. momentarily, all worries and troubles were far away.

whatever the results may be for my clarinet diploma, i can be sure that my playing has improved tremendously and that without poor physical conditions, i’m sure i’ll do much better. i’m happy

now that the nightmare seems to be over, i’ve picked myself up and will study hard for my last 2 papers. today might not be productive, but i will ensure that i sweat it out, i enjoy myself and i have a good rest at night to recover from my flu and whatever negativities in my mind. going to meet huili later for lunch, hopefully at my favourite duck noodles store at tanglin halt (hope it’s open!) and then will head to suntec with her for some shopping. soccer’s lined up in the evening so i’ll make sure i have a good few games. especially after watching steven gerrard’s top 10 goals… awesome… it’s time to come up with my own. haha. SPECIAL!!!

desmond seems upset with me. well, that’s normal; i’m in the wrong in the first place. i should never have doubted his intentions. i seriously didn’t know why i did, but i guess that’s just another part of me i never understood. when i’m under extreme stress i feel that even some of my friends are against me. this is very bad indeed. i never intended to feel that way. i never intended to act that way. well, maybe this time i’m oversensitive. i don’t know.

diploma exam was a disaster. shall not go into the terrible details. this exam is very costly indeed; in all senses of the word. a total of about $1200 was spent on exam fees, lesson fees and accompanist fees. some $45 on seeing a doctor. some $50+ must’ve been spent on transport. and i might flunk this one. my god.

what’s done can’t be undone. i can only hope that i pass. and i can only hope that it’s not too late to show my appreciation to those who helped me tremendously for this exam. even though i might not make it, i’m still grateful to the people who helped me out. thank you boss desmond, thank you sweetie huili, thank you mr png sir, thank you angelis. i owe you all a thank you and an apology.

hope they’re not too late.

i sincerely apologise for my narrow-mindedness for the barrel incident. i’m horrified and disgusted by myself for that. sorry, desmond. sorry, huili. i seriously should’ve coped with this much better. because i’m a clarinettist myself and i know how important the correct barrel, or any other part for that matter, is to a player who takes pride in his or her playing. and i chide myself for being unappreciative towards other people’s efforts to assist me in my exam.

i’m sorry.

i will not let you down and i will do my very best for the exam. do you and your barrel proud. and i can return it to you with my fullest appreciation after the exam. i’m sorry for being such an idiot today.

finally. 5 days of band teaching. several unpleasantries. organisational problems. band competition. 1 silver medal. 3 happy instructors. 1 unhappy teacher in charge who pretended to be happy. 1 unhappy teacher in charge who showed her unhappiness as i showed mine. 1 screwed up event at bishan stadium. several guests of honour who were as lost as i was. 1 conductor who had no idea what he was supposed to do (me lah).

i don’t understand why everyone should come and reprimand my section leader at the same time. and then after they kept reprimanding him, they can’t stop consoling him. it’s competition day! everybody’s stressed up. don’t take it out on the poor kid! at least don’t scold him so much! there’s always a way out. shan’t comment too much on this. my job’s on the line.

some bits of scolding/reprimanding work. some don’t. especially not on competition day anyway. i’m glad my scolding did him much good.

well, competition was cool. the kids worked very hard, played their hearts out on stage, and they were fantastic. best performance they have put up so far. the balance was great! and i nearly cried when they presented their best up on stage. it was simply amazing. even though i’m only a tutor, i could feel the kind of joy in presenting the section i have trained so hard on stage to compete against other schools. and i’m really proud. my section’s the most outstanding one that session! my coaching did not go to waste indeed. the pride of tutoring them came all at once

and i was a very happy man when i went for my date with huili. happy with fengshan’s result, happy with some bit of studying, happy to meet my sweet

unfortunately, i had to get up early to conduct nan chiau today…

i think i’m quite used to being panicky. i had no idea what i’m supposed to do and where the event was supposed to happen; i wasn’t briefed at all. so i went there, reaching nan chiau at 7:45am (sheesh) only to find that they were leaving school in catered buses to bishan stadium. ok fine, i’ll go along. avoided talking to the students all the way. conducted when i’m supposed to conduct (but didn’t know when to stop; the guests of honour were like standing behind me for quite some time, dunno for what). and they told us to prepare majulah singapura when they already decided to play it from the tape… think this morning was a test on my circumstantial reflexes. i did well

ok, finally the band days are over for april. time to mug and ‘do well’ for exams! hahaha. i’m dead lah!!!!!

thankfully, this relationship is so revitalising. sometimes we go through tough times. sometimes we have loads of fun. sometimes both of us are stressed. but the most important thing is that we complement each other very well and when we’re upset, we thrash it out and get over it very quickly. every time we get over a quarrel, we grow stronger. our relationship matures. this is what i’d call a mature relationship… and it took me 24 years to find and build one!

i’m happy. although there are still many reasons for me to be stressed up. but i’m happy with life right now, because i know that there’s always my special someone to fall back on. because i’m also there for her whenever she might need me. oh my god, the power of love! haha. sorry… getting too mushy here…

the ordeals might be coming to an end soon. i’d keep control of my fiery temper and stick throwing hands. i’d keep my life in check. i’d keep myself alive and kicking! life is good, after all

i’m sorry, dear.

i deserve this cold treatment.

it’s true. i threw a drumstick, full force, towards a kid today. that poor kid. my fengshan primary school band percussion section leader. the stick flew so fast off my hand that i knew nothing much about it till it hit the mirror behind the poor kid standing behind the timpani. and he was in such shock after i yelled right at him, right after the flying stick incident. after that the whole sectional was so tense.

have i done the right thing? i hardly think so. a flying stick would’ve been really really violent. and i’m not one person you’d fancy hurling sticks at kids. and i’m definitely one person you wouldn’t expect to yell at kids. but i’ve been very short tempered and very impatient these days. perhaps i’m more stressed up about the competition than they are. perhaps i’m more stressed up than any of the conductors. whatever the case, i feel guilty. i feel so bad that i wanted to apologise to the kid. but i couldn’t do it, because i’ve a job to do. if i don’t do this, someone else might do something worse. but that’s hardly an excuse for me.

talk about guilt. one thing after another. what is happening to me? am i really so bothered by the nightmare? or am i more bothered about another issue, one that i cannot resolve?

i’ve been trying to tire myself out with other things so that i won’t think about my problems. oh dear. i’m running away from my problems again. something i promised myself never to do again. but i’m doing it. running away. is that what i’m best at? i cannot even judge anymore. today i conducted like shit. ‘into the storm’ was really bad; i couldn’t focus. then again, i didn’t manage to focus on anything i did today. my playing was strange; i can’t hear for myself anymore. i don’t even know whether i’m playing with a nice tone or not. i cannot even decide whether i’ve been running away from my problems or i’ve been too harsh with myself.

definitely, the situation isn’t helping any bit.

last night, my world crumbled on me in a vivid nightmare…

it started with soccer. god knows why i was playing soccer in Holland. no, not holland village. Holland. and no, not the national team. anyway, i was playing soccer there and i had the worst game of my life. balls running away from under my feet, missed tackles, you name it. not that i was a good player anyway, but in the nightmare, it was really horrible.

soccer turned into a concert (ya, like… huh??) without notice. i was taking a corner kick when i realised, after i chipped the ball in, they have already started playing. and all i could do is watch my perfect chip ruin the concert. and i couldn’t join in cos i was without my instrument. while lamenting on how the conductor’s gonna tear me apart, i found my bag. and another set of nightmares began…

opening my bag, the first thing i found is that my baton is broken. broken very badly. my first baton! broken. then i found that all my reeds are spoilt. and i was in a frenzy already. cannot play soccer, cannot perform, cannot conduct. i was rendered useless. and i mean useless.

feeling really down already, i went to look for her. she was sleeping, and she ignored me most of the time. the only time she responded to anything is to hide me from passers by. and i remember having loads of breathing difficulties towards the end of the nightmare. my chest hurt, my throat was burning, my eyes stung from the excessive crying. i woke up, tears dry, chest still hurting, throat still burning.

this gotta be a nightmare i’ll never forget.

because my world really crumbled in the nightmare. everything i held dear was gone. everything i was good at was gone. but it’s a nightmare, it’s over.

but why does my heart still ache so much?

sharks. they sent me the letter late and informed me that my exam was earlier. what a stupid thing to do. now i have no choice but to take the diploma much earlier than i wanted. i have only 2 1/2 weeks left, can you believe it! and i’m not really prepared for it. i don’t even have a proper clarinet for it now. i hope mus’art’s prestige will be a suitable one. i remembered having problems with the prestige back then when i first tried it (almost a year ago).

been rather hot tempered, despite good news coming my way. i don’t understand! why is there surely something that will turn my mood upside down? i had to yell at the nan chiau recruits yesterday. again. always have to make me do this before they behave themselves. and my bro who, first thing he does when i reached home, yelled rudely at my mom. that was it. i yelled at him. and then i couldn’t be bothered and i went to sleep soon after.

somehow i’m just very hot tempered these days. why? i don’t understand this. perhaps i don’t understand why there must always be something that will piss me off. and somehow i couldn’t be easily cheered up also. must’ve caused some stress to my dear. i hope i can be much stronger than this.

ok, fengshan band competition next next week. my clarinet exam the following week. and also my university exams starting next next week. this is a stressful period. i only hope my family can be more understanding… and perhaps stop bothering me with more things. it’s not as if i haven’t done my part for the family. just hope that we can be more sensible. that everyone wants the home to be a better place. otherwise there shouldn’t be any reason why i’d wanna come home, since it’s such a torture.