MusICian

i haven’t been concentrating as much as i should today. the child language project meeting was ok; managed to get good progress even though i didn’t contribute much. usually i can’t contribute much too, because i’m the only person who hasn’t taken any other level 3000 modules. ok lah, other than the other level 3000 modules i’m taking this semester. but still, i couldn’t keep up with what they are saying at all. i only can try to give constructive suggestions from what i already know, which isn’t much. so i offered to help do the transcription since someone said i’m better at discerning intonation. we’re gonna do another recording this saturday evening. whew.

i think i wasted my time at lectures today. i could’ve done my presentation slides if i brought my papers! argh. and i could’ve read a lot more during the marketing lecture where i wasn’t paying any attention. was attempting to check out google earth with my friend, but the network was so lousy it kept crashing. was just falling asleep at the other lecture cos i was so tired. and i didn’t understand half of what the lecturer was saying! ok, fair enough, i already know most of it, just that it’s all very messed up.

got back my test and the big assignment for morphology and syntax. 7/10 for assignment and 8/10 for test. i’m happy for my results!

hopefully that won’t be the only highlight of my day. by the way, i’m stuck at lido mcdonald’s cos mac’s the only place with free wireless internet and lido’s near my student’s place. besides, i have nothing better to do. schools owe me $1020 now. i’m kinda starving because of that. but i’m going to be a very happy man when they pay me. money for bills, money for survival, money for a new laptop bag (finally). but i better don’t plan how i’m going to spend my money. doesn’t work too well for me.

i need to earn more in march. in april, i’m likely to lose one of the schools. that’s more than half my income gone! maybe i’ll take another school. if i can still cope.

在同样的天空下
有多少人是注定属于对方
但总是遇不上
遇上了也不一定会懂得珍惜

在同样的天空下
我寻找着注定属于我的你
茫茫人海里
寻找着属于你我的缘分
寻找着属于你我的回忆

就在我们的最爱里
我找到了你
就在我们的音乐里
我找到了勇气

在那美丽的音乐里
我们找到了伴侣
在那美丽的音乐之旅
我找到了今生注定属于我的惠莉

词，曲： 林毅恒

ok, i’m sorry if i worried you guys sick. the previous blog was real depressing, i know, but it’s over! the calamity is over and a new kind of happiness is watching over me right now.

i thank all my friends who have been through all my ups and downs, be it physically or mentally or just by reading and tagging on my blog. i’m really glad to have your support. and with this support, i have not let any of you down. i’ve found my happiness! actually i’ve found my happiness quite some time ago; just that i didn’t realise it has never gone away from me.

anyway, storm’s over and right now i see a very peaceful future. knots in the heart are meant to be untied, and you can’t try to disentagle a mess of knots at one go. you’ll have to do knot by knot. which is what i’ve been patiently trying to do, be it for me or for her. and i never knew i had such courage… i never knew i had such determination. i never gave up, and every moment i’m seeing what i’ve achieved unfold in front of me.

i built this new kind of happiness, from scratch, with her help.

and this new kind of happiness will stay with us for a very long while. it is really one thing to fall in love, and another to be loved in return. the former is easy; the latter takes fate, courage and determination. but i’ve done it! we’ve done it. we’ve built our own haven, one where we can rest and heal our weary wounds from the multiple battles we fight every day. and we will always encourage each other on and on, never giving up the chase.

it is also one thing to find happiness and another to maintain it. the former takes luck and belief; the latter takes a whole load more luck and belief and also courage. i’m really glad that i’m able to maintain this kind of happiness. i wanna say a big thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to the people who made this possible

no more heartaches! >_<

aching… aching… aching… aching…

but my heart refuses to break. for some strange reason, it did not allow my tears to fall from my eyes. it did not allow my emotions to go out of control. at its own expense. with every single ache, i force myself to type this post.

aching… aching… aching… aching…

why wouldn’t it stop? i only want to sleep peacefully. despite the fact that my mind is in turmoil. despite the fact that i may just lose what i hold dearest to my heart. and somehow it feels worse than taking music away from me. i don’t know. i really don’t know.

aching… aching… aching… aching…

she needs to cool down, to absorb what i’ve told her, to recover from her shock. but i’m so afraid that she’s got no one to confide this problem with! and the worst thing is that i can’t be there for her. because i’m the cause of it.

the truth is brutal. but we forget… that it is a fact that my heart is not going to waver, no matter how badly it hurts. it isn’t going to give up. it is not in my name to even suggest anything else other than determination. it is not in my destiny to give in to hardship.

but why is my heart aching so terribly?

dear heart, go to sleep. you’ve been overworked already. stop the hurting, stop the ache. just let the tears flow and you’ll be fine. just let the rage blow and you’ll be fine. dear heart, you’ve been suffering too much. but do not go numb with pain. do not take hurt for granted. you suffer for a reason. you grow stronger. you grow more resilient. but meanwhile, you must let go. bottling up these emotions ain’t helping one bit.

i hate my past. i hope i don’t start to hate the truth.

i’m truly blessed. i’d still be at a loss of what to do for valentine’s if i hadn’t shared my problem with her. luckily for us, there’s nothing we can’t talk about! so it’s good that i always discuss stuff with her. of course it goes the other way round too

v-day’s tmr! finally settled everything and i’m all set to enjoy tmr’s date! erm, well, not yet. i’ve gotta finish up all my schoolwork first. loads to get done today! and marketing’s been giving me a huge headache. i have no idea what i’m supposed to do for my part. and it didn’t help that my group members are meeting without me and that i have nothing to contribute to their discussion!

oh no, digressed. back to v-day. planning seemed effortless when we did it together. i guess planning goes on more smoothly when we put our heads together! gotta learn to plan more efficiently!

and i’ve finally gotten out of my stressed up bit from last week. a few days in a row… really quite shattering. well, you don’t always get the good bits of life. you get the lousy bits too. but what matters is how you cope with them. i’ve got a perfectly imperfect someone to share my joy and my pain!

life’s not so bad after all. it’s a matter of perception.

frankly, it really ain’t easy at all coping with all the teaching and the studying. i barely have time for myself. i teach band 3 days in a week, teach the clarinet for 1 hour every week, have band practices 2 times a week, have readings for 3 of my modules every single week, have assignments for the other 2 modules every single week too. i get home exhausted every tuesday, wednesday, thursday and friday.

of course the good part is that i earn about $360 every week (i need the money to start my savings). the bad part is that i have a lot less time for myself, for soccer and for huili. if she weren’t also in mus’art, i basically won’t have much time to meet up with her. these days i’ve been thinking whether all of these are worth it. i love teaching, i love music. but it’s really tiring trying to juggle all these with my studies. days pass by so quickly that i don’t even notice what happens around my house.

the worse part is that i tend to get grouchy easily these days. maybe i’m becoming selfish, expecting that everyone understands the situation i’m in. but i must always remember that these aren’t reasons or excuses for me to take it out on others. however busy i might be, i must never take anyone for granted. especially my special her. she’s been really accomodating and caring. and she gives me all the support i need.

i hereby apologise for being grouchy about the instant noodles incident yesterday.

i have a fairly good time at band practices. i kinda enjoy my job at fengshan primary, but teaching at nan chiau can be extremely stressful. fair enough, i’m supposed to be enjoying my life. but why am i so exhausted? what’s making me so tired? now that everything seems to be going the right way, why do i feel so exhausted?

maybe it’s just me. or maybe it’s just human to keep demanding more out of life. looks like man is never satisfied. or maybe i simply haven’t done any reflection on my achievements. i should.

great chinese new year! maybe because i feel really happy this time round, and i got to talk to my parents quite a bit too. good food, great family gathering. but i wasn’t there at my family’s (dad’s side) reunion dinner! ok, fair enough, i caught a great concert on that day.

my mom seems to approve of huili! i’m really happy

showed my family the photos i took on my WMC trip again! ok, my dad hasn’t seen them, so i guess he was quite happy to finally get to see them. haha. usual chinese new year stuff, going visiting, get visited. just one special trip with my family to a KTV pub. KTV pub… can you believe it… yongheng’s underage! and anyway it’s weird. i don’t like KTV pubs.

CNY public holidays ended with a great day out with huili! first official date as an official couple. really really happy! and i feel like we’ve been together for so long. it’s almost magical. and i never thought it was possible till it happened to me! josh is happy for us. so are a lot of people! i haven’t been a believer for nothing, i guess! and i’m glad i had the courage to love wholeheartedly again. love has never been this rewarding

what a long holiday this has been!

but ok, i think i’ve given my mind too much of a break. that’s bad. before that i’ve been going at full speed. now i’m slacking too much! plus the sore eyelid of mine kept me away from work and school yesterday. too much holidaying! time to go full speed again! have got loads of schoolwork to catch up, and loads of tutoring to do.

tmr i’ll be tutoring nan chiau officially. looks like it’ll be quite a tough job according to the situation i see over there! apparently the students there have no respect for the new instructors. that’s normal, i guess. it is always difficult for a new instructor to adapt to and get accepted by the band, who have been very used to being taught by someone else. but that doesn’t mean we have to give up that easily. changes have to be made. actions have to be done. one cannot possibly live in his/her shadow forever!

back to work =/