MusICian

ok, haven’t been very responsible this week. missed 2 evening practices. but i really needed to relax and relief stress. these days heaven haven’t exactly been very merciful with me. had to get stuck with so many problems that i can never seem to solve. deal with all the childish people around me. all those sleepless nights, too. i really wonder when this is going to stop. i really really need to just let go and forget about everything. forget about all my unhappiness and lead my life the way i want; and not just let myself be manipulated by other people again. i am supposed to be in control of my own life. after all, it belongs to me.

should i hate someone? hate is a very terrible thing. hatred doesn’t exist in my moral code. and i really cannot bring myself to hate anyone, no matter what he/she did. am i too kind? maybe i should just be more cruel about stuff. be a heartless creep. maybe i should.

very fun, but it was kinda tiring! and it’s making me dizzy. i’m using so much extra air to support the notes. well, it’s not as if i haven’t played the bass clarinet before! i just need more time to get used to it. will be back to normal soon. after that i’ll have tremendous air support! haha. and a great tone

wonder if i’ve gotta pay extra money for the trip. haven’t bought any travel insurance too. well.

omg. working the whole of next week. and rehearsals throughout the week! gonna die of exhaustion. but i mustn’t give up. for my dreams. yeah. i shall do it! maybe just have a bit of a problem with my dinners… nah, will find a way to work around it.

time for some suspense… wonder what will happen. it’s the wondering that’s driving me nuts. well, at least i finally decided to do something about it. better than to be kept in suspense for the rest of my life! shan’t complain. the rest is not up to me to decide.

look forward. no matter what may happen.

yeah, managed to sign out the bass clarinet. now i have a good instrument for sunday’s practice and also for the concert. the only problem is that i haven’t seen the scores! *gulp* extra practising for me! and of course there’s also the merchandising job next week. i’m gonna be so screwed next week. busy me no die man.

practice today was fun! but my lips are very sore and tired. i still have very bad playing stamina. looks like my embouche is still very much more suitable for the bass clarinet. but i shall not give up. i love the Bb clarinet! no way i’m gonna give it up.

hmmm… NTU and NYP’s fund raising concert tomorrow. should i buy a flower? hmmm… going alone again. sigh. and i’m damn broke too. but i will keep my promise and turn up. after that i’ll run straight home. shall do just that.

argh, having rests is a good thing. having to count rests isn’t. especially if you have many many rests in one huge chunk. and it’ll be irritating when time signature changes aren’t even marked in. some rehearsal marks are also missing! the transcription is haphazardly done! irritating. but playing the timpani was fun. after so long. even my rolls on the suspended cymbal are less than desirable… i’ve gotta go back to practising strokes!

NUSSO and NUSWS at the same time? hmmm… interesting idea. then i’ll be switching between the Bb and the A clarinet a lot. that’s gonna screw up my brain man. and it’s scary to play beside those 2 experts. had bad experiences already! but then again, maybe this time mr vincent goh will teach more stuff other than merely running through his pieces AGAIN. and again. and again. you get the point.

good opportunity for me to really develop as a clarinetist. i should consider it real carefully. can’t forget my studies and my student too.

ok. a full 14-hour shift of data entry is definitely NOT my cup of tea. imagine doing the same damn thing for 14 hours! the only breaks you get are lunch and dinner, and they don’t even last more than 30 minutes each! and i don’t even get to talk to people! i am deat beat and dead meat. hope i can actually wake up tomorrow. another 8 hours of data entry, i think? damn. gonna bring some music to entertain myself.

in case you don’t know, ‘cheeseballs’ is what i’d say to replace certain, or rather, most vulgarities. so yup. cheeseballs.

yeah, fav number 63! but not one of my favourite blogs. today’s been eventful although my activities only started from about 4pm, 2 hours after i woke up. i shall make it a point to re-adjust my bio clock. helped mum bring stuff to her shop and helped my cousin adjust the interior decor of the shop. met up with sushan and jan to celebrate a belated sushan birthday. chat up and stuff. food was good, but a little expensive. we found a small crab in our mussels! it either got eaten up by the mussel or it took the mussel as its shell. interesting. too bad my camera can’t focus properly on the crab.

got a job out of the blue. event gurus hiring me for $5.50/hour, 9 to 6 for 2 days. not bad. and also for 5 days next week, $6/hour, 9 to 5. some income to help me tide over bad times, though god knows when the money will come.

mum’s having a bad time. i guess we 3 sons are really causing her all the stress she doesn’t need. the shop’s already having problems of its own. elder bro’s not doing anything much about his income. younger bro’s glued to the com and has attitude problems. and here i am, slacking. i feel really ashamed of myself. perhaps my dream is really a little too expensive? i’m really having a lot of doubts now. but it’s a little too late to amend stuff. they’ve already booked my tickets if i’m not wrong. point of no return?

i really need a steady part time job. just to take care of my own income. at least that gives my mum less things to worry about. and i really hope my brothers do something about themselves too. about time they do.

really fully knocked out this time. 2 performances, 2 band practices, 3 soccer sessions, 1 shopping session at tangs (for my performance attire), 1 crazy ktv session, 3 afternoons in mum’s shop, the rest of the time either practising or not knowing what i’m doing. and i’ve got one huge ugly ulcer right in the center of my lower lip. it’s hurting me like crazy, man. didn’t go for the practice today; been too tired after the performance and the ktv last night. am i losing my motivation? am i losing sight of my amsterdam/aberdeen/uk dream? fail me not! maybe i’m just overstretched. too many things at a time.

ok, sight reading pieces at a performance is really bad. i shall never do it again. too demanding on the brain and also too unprofessional. i’m sorry!

still caught in a dilemma. 1 month left before the trip. i’d better get my thoughts sorted out and start thinking of something. do something constructive. like getting rid of the ugly ulcer on my lower lip. and clearing my only debt fast. and finishing up mr badrul’s work. i’d better.

band performance band performance band. that about sums up my 4 days. thursday band prac. friday performance. saturday band prac and performance. sunday band prac. tiring, but happy. after all, music is my first love. i’ve gotta squeeze out some time to settle mr badrul’s work too. i’d better; it’s long overdue! i oughta be shot. haha. i’m dead, haven’t seasoned enough reeds. better do something about it soon. my chipped reed isn’t gonna last!

played soccer for 2 consequtive nights! so shiok. having a really really good workout to dispel the ill effects of my cold. i feel much better already! been scoring and assisting good goals too; boosts my morale. haha. and ego. soccer nowaday’s fun. the downside is that i tend to get injuries. chin soon nearly killed me. i ran into him (literally) twice, one sending him crashing into the fence (he was play acting) and the other one sending ME crashing to the ground. the latter one was painful. now my back hurts and i’ve got an aching left arm. darn. but i still love soccer. of course

the practice with PRSS was fun! reliving the good old days with mr png. sight reading the 1st clarinet part of impressions of japan wasn’t THAT fun though. haha. the solo’s quite a challenge. but i believe i can do it if i practice hard. of course, the solo’s not for me to play. haha! miss saigon was happening. ok, time to sleep.

money IS a big problem right now. as all my part-time jobs have been rudely cut short, so has my income from all these sources. and the insane old me bought clarinet stuff on the net. and i had to owe money for that. my hands are still aching from all the painting and moving of furniture all night long; i don’t think i can hold a clarinet today. i feel like crap. where am i going to find so much money? how can i even think of taking money from my mum when she’s having financial difficulty herself? i’ll be lucky to be able to survive on my own! do i really have to forfeit the trip? or maybe i should forego the scotland trip? i’m so stuck right now. i’m willing to earn the damn money, but where the heck am i going to earn so much? how the heck am i going to get enough money when all my job durations have been rudely reduced to pathetic periods?

do i really have to live one more shattered dream?